23 weeks

I do not walk so much as lumber. I remember from before there was a period of feeling HUGE and then finally adjusting to the challenges. I have to call the doula!!!! I am also waking up at 2, 5 and 7 to pee. Is this too much information? I'm writing this down in case I get pregnant again (at age 50!! wouldn't that be a kick) and want to remember these small details. My left knee definitely is weaker, probably due to the hormones. It's not painful but I can feel I'm a little slower going up stairs. We have a lot of stairs here.

signs

I couldn't remember when this happens, but apparently at 22 weeks there's a dark line of skin from naval to pubis. This emerged last night and today is 22 weeks. Baby is poking a lot -- more tickly than emphatic. The literature says she's still under 12 inches so it's definitely more like fairy tickling. Tinkerbell tickling.

Last night at the in-laws, my fatherinlwa who just survived a triple bypass needed to let us know that it's very important that we choose a name that the child can use for their own life. I think he's still freaked that our son has 4 names (normal first name, exotic armenian middle name, mylast, husband'slast name). Tinkerbell will be getting an armenian name as well, though we haven't picked one out of the very exotic and unusual array available.

BTW, the name I write under is that of an ancestor who never married. I like to pay her tribute, along with another ancestor Mary Jane. Both women lived more than a century ago and had notable achievements -- work that endures to this day, which is great. The males in my father's family follow the obscure farmer/mechanic model....

out of breath

Not a good sign. My profile has changed considerably in the last 10 days and I can feel my lungs being squashed when I'm in bed. A herbalist acquaintance made the comment today that she thought I was 40. I held my thumb upward. She stopped at 45, and I still held my thumb up. It seems utterly preposterous that there's a little space traveller inside, except that I didn't (before this) FEEL 48. I see friends and others who are heavy and middleaged and at my reunion I was kind of shocked by how many lined faces there were. I do feel like I'm not in really great shape because it doesn't occur to me to do exercise beyond my dance class most of the time. Since my son has kind of outgrown all the strollers, the long strollerwalk isn't happening. Which reminds me, I'm betting right now he will be TOTALLY regressing when tinkerbell shows up. I'm writing this now so when it happens I won't be surprised.

It is really cool to be pregnant though. If only I could get a breath!

officially 20 weeks

Back to Ob/GYN in another month. All is well, BP is 120/60; urine culture totally normal, protein within range. My belly is measuring 20 inches, in line with the weeks. The doppler showed baby thrash/kicking and strong heartbeat. Lots of movement which I'm feeling.

So I took my husband out to Outback for steak. We've had strep throat and been under the weather and steak is the only cure for him. I'm at a point in my sobriety where ordering a coca cola seems like a REALLY big celebration. Thank the lord all is well with baby 2, whom I am thinking of as Siranoush, Tinkerbell, and Principessa.....All wonderful names for the new millenium....

20 weeks

At this point, I'm inclined to keep this journal just for the duration of my pregnancy which is officially at the halfway mark. My husband and I have been laid low for the past week plus with what he found out today is strep and a vicious cold. So it looks like a dose of penicillan to get us back on track.

I haven't heard back from the doula we used last time -- I need to call her, but I'm just not motivated to do anything that isn't due RIGHT NOW. The baby is kicking a lot and I'm not as big as I was before. Dr. appt on Thursday. I am trying not to put on weight beyond where I started, which was at 145, totally highend for me. When I was expecting my son my START WEIGHT was 129, but after losing a few pounds from nursing, it never came off completely. Then again, I have always been borderline thin, and probably anorectic (electively so!) for most of my 20s and 30s. I don't look heavy, but to me I can feel it. At my high school reunion, there was a picture from the yearbook of me taking a grand jete down the chemistry department hallway and I wish I could do that again. Thanks to Kathy Kitschinart for the reminder bracelet. What's beeezzaaar is that I DO NOT FEEL LIKE EATING CAKE!!

Last night was the first nite of 8 hours sleep, interupted only a few times by deathrattle cough.

I have a book due at the start of January. How I am going to do this seems unimaginable.

Every day I am grateful and amazed I am pregnant and only feel the tiniest bit of panic about the How are we going to do this. Our son is the best little kid but as everyone knows life with a small child is exhausting. I see mothers much younger than me with 2, 3, even four and that's something I have never had an interest in. I really had no urgings towards hving a baby until my mid-30s, when I was living with an incredibly self-indulgent and depressed writer, whose rising success during this period only caused him greater consternation. DC was convinced he was infertile, which, giving the miserable worldview expressed in his poetry and his generally melancholic temperament makes all kinds of sense.

My husband, fortunately, is an indefatigable optimist.....

a new president

When Nixon was elected I was sad because I knew he was the Vietnam War president. I was happy when Carter was elected, because Jerry Ford seemed accidental in so many ways. Ronald Reagan's election was literally scary. I was coming out of a club with my mucholder boyfriend after having seen the Roche Sisters, which was really lovely and people were talking on the sidewalk about Reagan and how he was going to bomb everything. GHWBush was worrying, but Mondale was so dull. And besides, that was the year before I got sober and moved very very far away. Clinton's election was great, the one bright spot in an otherwise rainy and cold fall which found me between professions for the first time in my professional life. The election of Bush 2 was appalling. We were living in the midwest and to watch the returns, and to know many many people who voted for the conartist idiot was scary. We've been in that mode for awhile. Kerry didn't seem to care and he did not project the optimism that Barack did and although I voted for Hillary in the primaries (having waiting since 1992 to vote for her for something!), it was great voting for Obama. And knowing many other different people did.

Bring on the peace, man.

How We Got Here and How We Knew It Was A Girl

in reverse order...

I started to want to wear pink in July. I have never worn pink. Well, I had an English Beat t-shirt purchased in 1984, but even in the height of my years as a rock critic, the black/pink combo passed me by. This summer, i bought 3 pink shirts and wore them. This is weeks before realizing we were expecting....


The magic/mojo that might have been involved getting pregnant may include the following:
tossing ALL maternity clothes, I literally found a bag and discarded in June --- was preg. in july (yeah, that looks like a great call from this vantage)
spending a lot of time around small children/pregnant women, due to involvement at local church afterschool in challenging neighborhood, plus my preschool son's peers, etc. Being around very needy small children who are also very poor might have triggered some hormonal thing. Honestly, I don't know.
My husband thinks it's fantastic genes and fantastic luck. I also attribute some good mojo to a really great saint, Saint Martin de Porres. He was Peruvian and a clergy friend had a connection to the shrine in TN. www.stmartinshrine.org/. I sent them some money years ago and I swear, within a month was pregnant. So I'm pretty good about sending them some cash. As an episcopagancongregationalitarian, anything goes.

I also had been taking Vitex (2 500 mg. tabs once a day for a number of months). I'd read it helped with PMS, which I'm told I have (ahem, I don't THINK I have it, anyway, don't have it NOW forsure). That may have helped and I also had been taking prental vitamins since before my son 5 years ago (yes, it was a huge bottle....)

waiting

In a couple hours we have the u/s that determines gender. Very strange feeling waiting for that....In other news, a friend of mine who's running for a state-level position is having some dirty politics played by a guy who has no political/public service experience yet who's running on the republican ticket as some kind of fundamentalist throw-the-bums-out reformer. I've seen this guy in a debate and he's clueless, vague and immediately reverts to campaign cant. He'd be eaten for lunch in our state house. I look forward to his defeat, which is in all likelihood inevitable. As someone who was prompted to run for office for a variety of reasons, mostly including the "yes, I'm going to make a difference, get out of my way" impulse, the idea of someone running for office who builds a platform of "against"s is both weak and hypocritical. People are seeing through it with the doddery veteran on a presidential level and they'll hopefully see through it here. Getting informed takes an investment of time. I read some of the local blogs that cover political life in my area and my main suspicion is that the least-informed are also the least-likely to vote. Which is basically a good thing. Don't vote unless you know what you're voting for...

quit!

I love the stuff I do for the community. I especially love the work I do that benefits children. Everything else can GO TO HECK!! I am amazed at how many kids I see who don't seem to have very strong language skills and my first thought is not "learning disability" but instead, "someone is not talking to them."

Thank god for fullday school where teachers' efforts and time is directed solely at these kids. I spent time at our alternative school today in a meeting and it's sad to see how quickly all the slots filled and how many are waiting. If we do not provide a top-tier education as part of what we do as a community we might as well go home.

checking out

As I assess my life (5 year old, f/t WAHJob, elected official) I find that it is time to withdraw from certain environments. I had been working at a local lfoundation that was so clueless about its role in the community, and where the people making decisions were actually contemptuous of the local community, I reached a tipping point and bailed a month ago. At this point, I am only, ONLY, spending time with institutions that have a stake in my mostly-impoverished small city. We have a lot of poor kids here and kids who are poor in family stability. Tonight I realized it was time to check out of another nonprofit where I had been the newsletter person, subcommittee innovator of record. So I will be making my announcement this week to the folks in charge. As someone who has extreme longevity in my worklife (my primary freelance client for my text-writing I've been working for since age 18!) realizing that some places aren't worth helping anymore is a big realization. Fortunately, I have been working/saving/living frugally for years so we can make these decisions about PITA jobs as well as PITA volunteer things. I urge anyone reading this who's doing something out of obligation to some unstated ideal or habit to bail! Something better will come along....

30th high school reunion

I went w/2 friends w/whom I've had continuous contact since high school. I was the only pregnant woman there although one classmate had a 3.5 year old. I really love these gettogethers and only wish I had more energy for visiting. I keep telling myself exhaustion is a result of having a 5 year old running around OUTSIDE instead of a 4month fetus rolling around INSIDE. 48 is a strange not-old, not-young moment and if this is middleage I better get to 96....
My idea of heaven currently is a coke, a bag of potato chips and hours in bed listening to the BBC. My hours are turning into those of a morning person but I have never yet in my life sprung out of bed first thing. At this point, I'm rollingl and hoisting....(the scale has been banished)...

it moved!

Baby moved! today at dance class. We had finished a dance and one of my friends looked at me funny b/c I had stopped moving. She said Is the baby moving? and I said I THINK SO! There was a distinct and definite pressure from the inside out, pressing on the right side. That's the only forsure movement. It was familiar and so strange. It is so great. We are blessed.

spring babies

mean you don't buy a ski pass for yourself for the winter. But I bought one for my husband for his birthday. Maybe I can sneak in on the bunny slope. God knows I'll need the exercise

16 weeks

Well, Ob appt was today and I was mistaken -- we don't have u/s until next wk. Otherwise everything looks good, h/b is at 140 -- way easier to find than last time, when we only got it for a second, but did get sufficient movement. I am exhausted having not slept last nite. I've been ill for 3 days, basically went to bed Tuesdy, woke up Wednesday. There are so many things that prompt me to say, "I'm too old for this" but it turns out, sadly, I'm not.

The road ahead

I have always been slightly confused about interpreting dates -- for myself that is. My primary occupation is that of spiritual advisor, or, it's traditional title: astrologer. The second-oldest profession, actually. It helped pay for this house and over time my realname has expanded in the world, but I have had a TERRIBLE time figuring out EXACTLY what date it is re: this pregnancy. Today is week 16. So I have completed my 4th month and starting my 5th month. So the baby has developed inner ear organs, fingernails and is now just basically growing instead of growing crucial parts.

This I didn't understand yesterday. I read a chapter on pre-natal development 4th month and figured I was starting on that. wrong, wrong, wrong. But it does explains why I am now photographing on the huge side.

I am outgrowing PJ bottoms so if anyone is reading this (I don't know why anyone should, I've only made one small public post on the pregnancy stories over age 40 site, send some!

Seriously, though I am tired a lot. Part of this is having a small child. Even though CT's in school 6 hours a day -- it's not enough time for me to do my work and tidy.

itchy skin

16 weeks, just started. Aargh,

yesterday was 15 weeks

I still think I should be huger!! I've been wearing maternity clothes for a few weeks and remain grateful it's not 1988 when the choices were big navy blousy dresses with minnie mouse collars and crazy bows. Remember that? I never succumbed to the bizarre on-beyond-Farrah hair wings, having fairly unruly Armenian hair, but remember the '80s fondly only for the fact that I had a metabolism a dragonfly would envy and have no recollection of eating any meal before midnight.

so, yes, pregnant. Probably should have gotten to this in my 20s, or even my 30s, but 42 was my first child. I have a hard time believing everything's okay. I can't wait to feel this baby swimming around (20 weeks?). And I'm hungry all the time. That's the theme. All I want to eat is Korean food and kim chi and spicy, flavored stuff. It's REALLY strange because I'm someone who could, and has, eaten ice cream EVERY day and I have no desire for anything sweet. I seem to need to eat every two hours.

okay, I think I understand this

I thought I would keep a public blog on this amazing event. I am 48, pregnant and 2 days shy of 48