how old am I

I realized that naming this blog this meant I was, in my head, forever 48, Should I rename and move elsewhere?

on the pill

Second child, different child. This summer, it took all I could do to nurse, pump, nurse, pump and it still wasn't enough. I am the biggest nursing zealot I know but in August I realized we were down to 6 stockpiled frozen milk bags. We have to go on formula I found myself saying to myself, and a week later to my husband. We nursed some more but we came to a mutual conclusion that she had moved on sometime in the fall. Partly, it was the teeth -- I worked hard to nurse and pump and keep the supply up but this child really is voracious. I nursed my son exclusively through 7 months and we slowly introduced food. He was weaned at 18 months, and the last 3 months had very bad manners nursing. We'd do it but he'd have a devilish expression and then he'd bite and then he'd come off and it turned into a wrestling match which he liked.

Friends w/girls have reported the girls have weaned themselves earlier. Maybe she can be out of diapers sooner too! Anyway, I can't say I'm completely sad about this -- I have nursed my children, they are healthy, I have done what I wanted to do and I did what was best for each child. J is 95th percentile -- at 8 months she weighs a little less than half the 6 year old. She is thriving and wants to eat everything. We are holding off but there's an eagerness about food that is undeniable.

And so today, Dec. 6, I'm on the pill for the first time since...2001? I was never fully happy with the pill back in the ogod, early 80s (2 weeks), mid-80s (4 months). I went on in 2000 and had no ill F/X. I'm hoping it will be the same this time w/loestrin, or "microgestin 1/20"

It seems really crazy to worry about getting pregnant at ogod 49 and having another baby at 50 but I've had a lot -- a lot of dreams about being pregnant and they were definitely disquieting. And so now that J is having her own little meals and will probably be charged at the chinese buffet in another month, I am making this change so maybe my husband and I can have a lovelife again. Now all we need is time and circumstance.

7 months, likes her bath

7 months

came yesterday. She is eager to start on all kinds of food though still nursing for comfort and some nourishment. Nearly 18 pounds. I've been making slings to carry her out of fleece but nothing is quite working as it should. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant again AND DIDN'T KNOW IT. First time for that -- fairly appalling.

I saw the wife of someone I'm in an organization with. This woman has a 3 year old, is probably still in her 30s and lost her baby last month during the birth process. Cord tightened when baby dropped. Totally freakish, scary and disturbing. I felt incredibly guilty seeing her at library with my son and V. She seemed in a daze and I asked my son to invite her son to read a story with us. Which they did. But I've been haunted by her story since I heard a few weeks ago.

I am sure she and her husband will try to have another child, but all of us who are parents are chilled to the bone even knowing such risks are possible. And last night when I dreamed I was pregnant, and could feel the baby in my sleep I kept saying I wanted an elective C-section to avoid any birth trauma. Which I didn't want, and didn't have with either kids.

This is a sad entry. I am not looking forward to winter and I need to make more money.

49

now that sounds old...Only in terms of experience. I was an "adult" during the first Reagan administration.It seems completely surreal that the ambitious and inconsistent young woman who apprenticed with a fleet of tough newspaper people would grow past all that with a small child.

whose first tooth popped yesterday....

I'll be 49 in a week...

but will keep the title. All I want for my birthday is uninterrupted time in the morning. Or time in the house with no one here. The last time I had that for more than 45 minutes was 3 weeks ago. Though my idea of having a great birthday is taking my son to see the local fossil museum....

need. more. time...

My beloved child has a VERY short leash and a VERY short temper. I think she's also getting more gaseous. We were out campaigning today and a voter held a 9 month old who looked smaller than my 5.5 month old. Go figure. Anyway, my time away from her needs (need to be fed, changed, held, amused, changed position, switching toys, smiled at) is reduced to a sliver. Which is how it should be in her world. But there will be payback when I'm old(er) and (more) eccentric and need to live in the desert for a while.

It's kind of funny that I really do feel the need to do things I never felt I needed to do before. I'd like to live in the desert for a while. The rainforest really beckons and so does any road that goes north to the Arctic Circle. I am drawn to starker landscapes however (I really just want to see all the bugs in the RF and have coffee IN Central America).

I have always been self-employed so that if any of the pieces fall away, or I leave, the show goes on. And it does. I will be 49 in another few weeks and this is the 2nd birthday in my 40s that will probably not find me paralyzed with depression. After my son was born my mind wanted me pregnant but my body wasn't in the swing. Now my body is REALLY in the swing, which I can tell by 28 day cycles and 10 days of EWCM tmisorry! But I still remember having the flu for the umpteenth time while expecting and getting huger and less able to shake this stuff off and not being able to take a deep breath and saying, "it's ok, I don't need to be pregnant again."

This afternoon, I finally got her down for her nap so we could go campaigning later and her going to sleep really is like the symphony with the false endings, there are yips and squacks and of course you go check and there had been silence. So I checked. And there was our cat, Fred, a muttonheaded stripey tom sitting on the bed next to her and she was petting his ears. She looked at me and I mouthed, "you are dreaming I am here" and backed out and she eventually slept.

Fred is a whiney, clumsy, underfoot, foodaholic, wallscraping annoying cat much of his life, but this made me really love Fred.