48 and pregnant

Love ya, see you elsewhere

2010-02-05T20:52:00.000-08:00

Hi all,
Baby J is 10.5 months. I am 100percent exhausted. But I have a book coming out and my attention is going to be focussed on the marketing and promotion of that. For now, I am saying au revoir to this project. I am no longer 48 or pregnant. If you are just finding this now, email me if you'd like info on the book and those projects. But for now, best of luck to you all. If you are over 45 you can get pregnant. I did, and I wasn't even trying. God bless....

how old am I

2009-12-21T07:40:00.000-08:00

I realized that naming this blog this meant I was, in my head, forever 48, Should I rename and move elsewhere?

on the pill

2009-12-06T19:03:00.000-08:00

Second child, different child. This summer, it took all I could do to nurse, pump, nurse, pump and it still wasn't enough. I am the biggest nursing zealot I know but in August I realized we were down to 6 stockpiled frozen milk bags. We have to go on formula I found myself saying to myself, and a week later to my husband. We nursed some more but we came to a mutual conclusion that she had moved on sometime in the fall. Partly, it was the teeth -- I worked hard to nurse and pump and keep the supply up but this child really is voracious. I nursed my son exclusively through 7 months and we slowly introduced food. He was weaned at 18 months, and the last 3 months had very bad manners nursing. We'd do it but he'd have a devilish expression and then he'd bite and then he'd come off and it turned into a wrestling match which he liked.

Friends w/girls have reported the girls have weaned themselves earlier. Maybe she can be out of diapers sooner too! Anyway, I can't say I'm completely sad about this -- I have nursed my children, they are healthy, I have done what I wanted to do and I did what was best for each child. J is 95th percentile -- at 8 months she weighs a little less than half the 6 year old. She is thriving and wants to eat everything. We are holding off but there's an eagerness about food that is undeniable.

And so today, Dec. 6, I'm on the pill for the first time since...2001? I was never fully happy with the pill back in the ogod, early 80s (2 weeks), mid-80s (4 months). I went on in 2000 and had no ill F/X. I'm hoping it will be the same this time w/loestrin, or "microgestin 1/20"

It seems really crazy to worry about getting pregnant at ogod 49 and having another baby at 50 but I've had a lot -- a lot of dreams about being pregnant and they were definitely disquieting. And so now that J is having her own little meals and will probably be charged at the chinese buffet in another month, I am making this change so maybe my husband and I can have a lovelife again. Now all we need is time and circumstance.

2009-11-11T12:29:00.000-08:00

7 months, likes her bath

7 months

2009-10-30T07:48:00.001-07:00

came yesterday. She is eager to start on all kinds of food though still nursing for comfort and some nourishment. Nearly 18 pounds. I've been making slings to carry her out of fleece but nothing is quite working as it should. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant again AND DIDN'T KNOW IT. First time for that -- fairly appalling.

I saw the wife of someone I'm in an organization with. This woman has a 3 year old, is probably still in her 30s and lost her baby last month during the birth process. Cord tightened when baby dropped. Totally freakish, scary and disturbing. I felt incredibly guilty seeing her at library with my son and V. She seemed in a daze and I asked my son to invite her son to read a story with us. Which they did. But I've been haunted by her story since I heard a few weeks ago.

I am sure she and her husband will try to have another child, but all of us who are parents are chilled to the bone even knowing such risks are possible. And last night when I dreamed I was pregnant, and could feel the baby in my sleep I kept saying I wanted an elective C-section to avoid any birth trauma. Which I didn't want, and didn't have with either kids.

This is a sad entry. I am not looking forward to winter and I need to make more money.

49

2009-10-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

now that sounds old...Only in terms of experience. I was an "adult" during the first Reagan administration.It seems completely surreal that the ambitious and inconsistent young woman who apprenticed with a fleet of tough newspaper people would grow past all that with a small child.

whose first tooth popped yesterday....

I'll be 49 in a week...

2009-09-30T18:33:00.001-07:00

but will keep the title. All I want for my birthday is uninterrupted time in the morning. Or time in the house with no one here. The last time I had that for more than 45 minutes was 3 weeks ago. Though my idea of having a great birthday is taking my son to see the local fossil museum....

need. more. time...

2009-09-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

My beloved child has a VERY short leash and a VERY short temper. I think she's also getting more gaseous. We were out campaigning today and a voter held a 9 month old who looked smaller than my 5.5 month old. Go figure. Anyway, my time away from her needs (need to be fed, changed, held, amused, changed position, switching toys, smiled at) is reduced to a sliver. Which is how it should be in her world. But there will be payback when I'm old(er) and (more) eccentric and need to live in the desert for a while.

It's kind of funny that I really do feel the need to do things I never felt I needed to do before. I'd like to live in the desert for a while. The rainforest really beckons and so does any road that goes north to the Arctic Circle. I am drawn to starker landscapes however (I really just want to see all the bugs in the RF and have coffee IN Central America).

I have always been self-employed so that if any of the pieces fall away, or I leave, the show goes on. And it does. I will be 49 in another few weeks and this is the 2nd birthday in my 40s that will probably not find me paralyzed with depression. After my son was born my mind wanted me pregnant but my body wasn't in the swing. Now my body is REALLY in the swing, which I can tell by 28 day cycles and 10 days of EWCM tmisorry! But I still remember having the flu for the umpteenth time while expecting and getting huger and less able to shake this stuff off and not being able to take a deep breath and saying, "it's ok, I don't need to be pregnant again."

This afternoon, I finally got her down for her nap so we could go campaigning later and her going to sleep really is like the symphony with the false endings, there are yips and squacks and of course you go check and there had been silence. So I checked. And there was our cat, Fred, a muttonheaded stripey tom sitting on the bed next to her and she was petting his ears. She looked at me and I mouthed, "you are dreaming I am here" and backed out and she eventually slept.

Fred is a whiney, clumsy, underfoot, foodaholic, wallscraping annoying cat much of his life, but this made me really love Fred.

thanks ted

2009-08-29T18:36:00.000-07:00

Talking to a client recently and I realized I really am annoyed that health care doesn't follow you from job to job. We live in a very expensive state and just recently signed onto the state health plan. It won't cover the chiro. but we're keeping the pediatrician and doctor so that's fine by me. As a self-employed family, we were paying something like $1800 a month for health insurance, which would have driven us into debt. Fortunately, we are able to earn a good living and we have savings and we're not carrying a mortgage. There are huge advantages to waiting to be a grownup and then having a family. My heart goes out to younger moms and dads who don't have the advantage of staying home with a child as long as they wish. My DH and I both work out of our house and we are exceedingly blessed to share the childcare. We live very frugally, but very well even if our son is not indulged in his whims for "expensive plastic" as often as he'd like. We have books in every room and every night our son is read to aloud for a half hour. And during the day he's read aloud to as well. So it's hours and hours of that, and playing and making stuff. I make a lot of art out of recycled materials and am selling enough to call it a remunerative hobby. My main occupation is writing and I have a book coming out next year. For which I'll be paid, oh hell, probably in 2012.
But here's the thing. Ted Kennedy totally "got" our situation and he really did fight for everyone who needed an advocate. I met him once -- fleetingly, and shook his hand. He was a very big guy with radiating charisma, surrounded by a scrum of younger aides. I'm sorry he's gone. He may not have been personally eloquent all the time but his heart was always in the right place where the public was concerned.

sunday

2009-08-24T10:53:00.001-07:00

w/her big brother's godfather (he's an actor)

off the charts

2009-08-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

She had eye infection on vacay; we gave her DS's ointment, she's fine. Now I have it. Yuck....She also has a little cold which makes for hacking coughs which chill the blood. She had dr. appt on Wednesday, routine checkup and they weren't alarmed about cold, it's not in her chest....Her growth is incredible. she's off the charts w/growth. She grew 3 inches in last 2 months. she was 95th percentile ht/wt, now off the charts. Literally. they'd have to get another piece of paper. Her head measurement went from 14 to 16 inches. 16 lbs weight. 4.5 months.

I'm pumping a lot of milk to keep up w/her and can actually get 2 oz. before I go to bed. The other day I was carrying her and she had her moist little mouth on my shoulder and I heard mmmaaaammmaaaaaaa. It was unbelievably great.

we're back

2009-08-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

it's 1000 degrees here now. babyV woke at 12, 1, 3, 6.....and like that. I am pumping and nursing and pumping and when she has dr. app't we are so adding some heavy, starchy, keepherasleep food to the diet. On the lighter side, she has an amazing chortle when my son makes her laugh. They sound so conspiratorial. He runs when she fusses and it's all sunshine from there. We had a great time at the beach and it would have been so great to stay....through September.....

off again

2009-08-02T19:11:00.000-07:00

back middle of august. more beach! w/husband's family. really need some time off despite having a book and long pieces due soon. have adorable swimmie suits for the little princess dumpling. tonight my son was having a conversation w/V. telling her how cute she is and how adorable and then I looked over at the couch and saw he was telling all this to the cat, Fred, who was sleeping right next to her. I guess this explains all the cat hair when I finally pry open her palms to wash.

back from beach

2009-07-30T18:01:00.003-07:00

2 days w/family w/both kids and me. i was outnumbered...bigtime...

well now

2009-07-12T08:39:00.001-07:00

I got my period this morning. Princess Dumpling is 15 weeks today and I definitely got my period. We are breastfeeding, sometimes hourly, and I got my period. I look in my calendar and June 25-30 I definitely had lots of EWCM, so my body is definitely revving up. As my husband noted when I told him, "back in business again."

This happened after the birth of my son, when I was fully in that gottahaveanother infant craziness. I do NOT have the feeling of gottahaveanother with PD, but it's interesting that my body is doing exactly what it did with my son. I had my period 3 months after giving birth, almost to the day. I don't like the idea of going on the pill (at nearly 49 and breastfeeding), so I guess alternatives are in order.

who she is

2009-07-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

She likes to be facing out when being held.
She's in the 90th percentile, so a very long little girl
She looks good in yellow, pink, white...My husband thinks not so good in shades of mauve. I thnk she looks great in everything.
She's been able to stand with assistance since before 1 month. Now she'll hoist herself up on little chubby legs and only needs very light fingertip steadying.
She has a hugely satisfied gummy grin.
If not attended immediately after crying she can ramp that up in huge despondent sobs.
Nursing immediately fixes everything.
She sleeps on her back with her arms out to either side.
Light brown hair with strawberry blonde highlights and hazel blueish eyes.
Yesterday, I was being photographed for professional purposes and after we photographed her and everytime I said hahaha she said ahahah.

everything ok

2009-06-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

nurse just called. They're just abnormal cells, nothing dire. Pap test in 6 months...

After

2009-06-26T09:32:00.000-07:00

Well, my OB/Gyn found lots of HPV cells on the cervix and a mosaic pattern, which is definitely precancerous there. They'll call in a week w/a biopsy but she said I really have nothing to worry about. This, I don't get. The next steps are: if it's precancerous, they'll do a LEEP and take it out. If it's not, I have PAP tests every 6 months. No matter what, I'm going in more often for Pap tests. It's depressing especially since I read in the NYT that Farrah's rare anal cancer has HPV connections. Anyone out there test positive for HPV?

Given that I've been intimate with just two men since 1992, it's depressing. My former boyfriend had one other girlfriend before me, and my husband was married before (to someone who definitely wasn't the multiple partners type), so who knows where this comes from. I really hate this though and would like to feel as reassured as my Dr. says I should.

entries fewer and farther between

2009-06-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

because I am overworked and nursing constantly, and school's out for big brother and irritated at marriage and tomorrow they scrape cells off my cervix and let's hope there isn't anything to write home about.

food poisoning and tests...

2009-06-06T12:24:00.000-07:00

What a total pain this week hsa been. i've been out w/food poisoning since Wednesday, missign all kinds of essential activities. The consult w/the ob/gyn was about the coloscopy to be done on June 24. They'll take cells and then biopsy and then if cels are malignant it's a more invasive procedure. Frankly, I'm scared and completely helpless in this. Worse, baby V. is nursing every 2 hours on the overnight. I haven't made love w/my husband in months and months and we've been in separate bedrooms to survive the infant hours. I'm tired and spiritually hungover and irritated at many people for their incompetence in matters they probably don't even know they're incompetent in.

The baby is now 90th percentile, and pretty huge for 10 weeks. Smiling a lot and really sweet and I love it but I'm behind on a book project and many many other things. I am not someone who does things by halves and I could seriously use an au pair right now....

I'm keeping the title

2009-05-24T22:26:00.000-07:00

even though I'm not pregnant anymore. I did get disturbing news from 6 week postpartum visit. I'm positive for HPV and they found abnormal cells on the cervix. I go in again on June 4 for a consult and a coloscopy. I'm hoping everything will be okay....

2 am, sometime recently. Or was it 3?

2009-05-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

who knows...gotta love it. thank god I don't have to handle heavy machinery. and this is after an hour of fun!

a reader wrote in March

2009-05-05T19:33:00.000-07:00

Hi Isabelle,

I tried to post the following on your blog, but am having computer issues. Would you be so kind to do it for me.

Many thanks, and may God Bless.

Hi Isabelle,
Jan gave me your link. I just turned 46 when I found out I was pregnant. We have been thinking of giving our 23 month old a sibling for a few months now. At my DS last check up, I asked the doctor about getting pregnant. She said I;d better get to it if it was going to happen and advised I should stop BF. I got pregnant as soon as I could over the Christmas/New Year holidays. I found out a whole week before AF was due that I was pregnant.
I wish you all the best with your upcoming labour and delivery and thank you for sharing your story here.
newone, I pray you get pregnant soon and your daughter will be a big sister soon. My story is here http://46andpregnant-kim.blogspot.com/

Kim that's great. Fabulous you could get pregnant within 2 years. As for me, I'm grateful my son is 5 b/c he is a super big brother and surprisingly useful for which we are grateful when we can't open the darn door ourselves...(carseat, groceries, sling and the diaper bag etc...)

I just read all your entries and it took me back. We decided against CVS and Amnio and all that stuff and I wonder whether incidence of girls is higher w/riper moms. September 26 -- you get to be pregnant in the summer which I found a GREAT time to be pregnant because you can be outside and running around. The best part is not having to wear socks in the 9th month. Putting on socks was the most timeconsuming thing I did in 3rd Tri.

between the edges

2009-05-04T22:38:00.000-07:00

V. is 5 weeks old which officially means I have not slept more than 6 hours for 5 weeks (the last week of pregnancy, I know I slept two nites past six hours). So I'm mostly dazed and dropping things (not her, her I clutch) and concentrating when I drive and really making the most of my daily cup of coffee. And remembering the things I loved to eat during my last 2 months of pregnancy, none of which exert a pull anymore.

I loved:
Starbucks mints
fresh fallen snow
Finnish crisp bread
Prosciutto
sharp cheddar
sausage
potato chips

Now it's all chocolate icecream...

2009-04-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

day one....liking her bath....

so tired

2009-04-23T19:48:00.001-07:00

and i should sleep when she does. but that's not when i'm tired. my fine motor skills are in appalling shape. my hope is that she gets big and fat quickly so that nursing fills her up for longer. last nite with an urpup, and didie and gas it was a 2 hour middle of the night letsdealwithallthis....some of this is a growth spurt diagnosed by the lactation consultant which seems, of course, obvious now.

8lb9 oz

2009-04-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

2 weeks after her post-natal checkup at which she weighed 7lb 3 (down from 7.12). So she's surpassed birthwt, and when I look at my son's timeline of stuff, he was at 9.7 at 2 wk checkup. (up frmo birthwt of 7.13)

She is sleeping, so I'm making stuff. Quietly....

April 13

2009-04-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

2 weeks plus one. I shampooed V's hair today which she loved and spongebathed the rest of her which she didn't. I have a round patch of instanteczema on the finger on which I have worn a silver ring with a gold inlay for years. It happened instantly. Fortunately, the wedding ring finger is fine, which means that hardware is real gold...

We've had visitors and guesets from Friday noon until late last nite and I've spent as much time in a rocking chair with V as possible. I had some surprising bleeding on Saturday. at the hospital they told me that 2 weeks post partum is a time of renewed and accelerated bleeding, which was reassuring, though still kind of disturbing.

She slept from 1 to 5:30 and then 6:30 to 10:30 am today. Excellent little baby! Now if we could only deal w/the gas...

space shuttle, antarctica...

2009-04-09T05:34:00.000-07:00

places where the 24-hour clock doesn't make any sense is where we are. If you are pregnant and hoping to breast feed (for first time or again) GET AN ELECTRIC PUMP. V. had difficulty sucking b/c of an extended frenulum, which was snipped on day 2, but we still had time to make up while my milk came in. It took about a week to get the classic breast milk -- what I produced hitherto was more in the colostrum range, but I think it was frustrating for her. On day 5 we got an electric breast pump and I went from .25 oz. per breast per pump to, last night, no joke, 4 oz. per breast. needless to say, I'm sore but we have plenty of food for her now. I'm really proud that the last time she had ANY formula (3 doses in her life) was March 31. I think it made her constipated. This is not to say that formula = bad parenting, just that an electric breast pump could get milk out of the venus de milo. Still sleeping in 3 hour shifts. I haven't had 8/9 hours continuous sleep for about 3 months thanx to illnesses and bladder pressure from 3rd tri.

I plan to stay home as long as possible. Fortunately, I work at home so it's just a case of saying nocan'tsorrynexttimeanother time to the myriad other things I do that I'm expected at. . .

babygirl arrived

2009-03-31T20:28:00.001-07:00

working on the story.
happened sunday afternoon
home now.
all well.
no meds
no interventions
amazing. . .

Long night's journey into day....

2009-03-31T20:20:00.000-07:00

Sunday, midnight, contrax 20 minutes apart til 2 am
2-4, 15 minutes apart
4 to 5, I slept? who knows...
5 to 7 onward, 10 minutes apart, mostly exactly.
7:30, call labor/delivery. "I think you need to come down"
pile in car... arrive at 9,
measure at 5 cm

doula at 10:30, the show begins....
2:30, call local pastor at church where i volunteer, and know lots of kids -- a place which has had something amazing to do w/this conception. tell him am in active labor and ask to be put on prayer list for family service which begins at 4 (see below)....
ow ow ow ow ow ow ow
over and over
OW OW OW OW OW

stay calm, doula brilliant, walk around, sit on ball, lean on bed, lean on her and my husband. contract 1, 2, 3, 7, 8 minutes apart, 30 to 60 seconds. are they getting more painful? sometimes, sometimes not, it's a rolling hill of pain. my mind racing throughout.
(iwantanemergencycsectionnow!!!!!!!)
(this doesn't happen)
into the shower, it's 3. the dr. has left us alone. should I be measured again? why, what will I do w/the information. my doula is briliant. I am not measured again.
When is transition? when is it beyond unbearable?
into the shower, briefly.
onto the bed
lie down and contract and sleep.
last meal was 1 am, cheerios. last sleep was 1 pm saturday.
4 pm, contract contract
water breaks
I swear I can hear this.
Doula tells staff. Nurse enters. "From the sound of you you're ready to push"
Dr. comes in fully gowned.
I don't know how to push and the contrax have stopped.
I wait for someone (someforce?) to tell me what to do.
I feel like I need to keep going.
So I push, w/out contrax

babyborn, 4:31 pm
doula tells me later, YOU WEREN'T CONTRACTING YOU WERE PUSHING HER OUT BY YOURSELF.
Which I did.
babygirl stunning.
like a little elf. Covered with the essence of the outer galaxies
crazylong fingers w/pointed nails
dark blue eyes
long
crying
....

here...

(I finished this Saturday, and we have been in nursing bootcamp pumping sleeping hell since arriving home tuesday afternoon...)

ps: for the purpose of this blog, I will be calling her vivian tho that's not her real name. it was a close contender. she's 21 inches, 7.12 lb/oz.
pps: I called Pastor S. at 2:30. Family service at church begins at 4. That's when my water broke. The kids are called up to alter to read prayer requests. According to mrs. pastor S. lotsa kids wanted to pray for me (!) totally touching.
They would have been actively praying at 4:30ish
which is when baby was born.
all pretty amazing to contemplate.....

saturday

2009-03-28T15:46:00.001-07:00

the joys of early labor include:

the moment of recognition that "early labor can last from several hours to weeks"

I think I had so many violent and energetic contrax on Thursday b/c the doctor was measuring my cervix and as a friend noted, "They kind of like to get you started by moving things around up there"

Well, it worked. Today, the contrax are mostly died down except all last nite I was woken every hour, bizarrely ON the hour by heavy duty contrax and then babythrashing. Not a recipe for rest.

We walked around some today, and I'll climb the stairs. I can see what people are talking about in that "bringing on labor" stuff. Having not been thru this w/my son it is a WHOLE new world. we tried to induce him ourselves when I was overdue, and activities included some serious (I mean 4 hour) hikes up our local mountain. Spicy food, spicy intimacy, etc.

Nothing worked. So I had a 14 hour labor w/pitocyn drip, fetal monitor, the works. To go from zero to birth in 14 hours was brutal and my doula told me afterwards that 14 hours is typical w/pitocyn and that it's really tough. So if my body is taking its time in this labor process.....then so be it.......Today is my official due date, btw.

friday

2009-03-27T19:00:00.001-07:00

some contrax, nothing like yesterday. but 3 an hour sometimes. manageable. I'm going to bed, probably not to sleep. We'll see what happens. Have tried to eat sparingly today, but have more energy now. Labor is way more complicated than I thought. It is not like shooting an arrow. It is like a winding path through the woods where you can't tell when you've achieved elevation.

still clumsy tho...

25, 2, 13, 1, 8....

2009-03-26T23:08:00.000-07:00

bigger numbers are numbers between contractions the contractions are getting vicious. it's 2 in the morning. i don't know if i'm going to be able to sleep thru this nite.

OB visit

2009-03-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

BP normal, wt up 2 lbs, trace plus 1 in urine and 2-3 cm open plus 50 percent effaced. Yow. Looks like the braxton hicks are doing their job said my OB. We have made appt in labor/delivery for tuesday morning in case I don't go before then. I think I may. The plug is gone, and there has been mucously leakage today....

uh.....

my head is spiinning. doula alerted, I'm walking w/difficulty, the contrax continue but in a nonpredictable non accelerating way. The body has done this once before, the body is remembering what to do the body is following directions. The leakage could be from tear high up in membrane that baby's head is basically plugging so if I move/change position, there may be more leakage. Breaking water is a cup, more than a cup. I write this so I can remember. Will I make it thru the nite? I would like to......

March ram baby it looks like.....

something different

2009-03-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

I've been staying up late doing various projects -- i mean really late, deep into the night early morning radio late -- there is SO MUCH to do and before I finally collapsed there was, um, some bloody show. That's actually a sign of labor, not some britishism. It was more pinkpale than bloody and the mucous plug is apparently still engaged but I have no gone into modest freakout mode. This is called "early labor" and tomorrow at 3 when we see the OB she will check me. I called the Ob this morning and got the info re: contractions 5 minutes apart for more than an hour. I'm feeling contrax plus baby moving. There was more mucous in the afternoon and my parallel parking, which is usually award-winning totally sucked today. I hvae no spatial relationships. I have no sense of proportion. My husband bless hiim has gone thru the little pile of duds and put on shelf in our son's playroom so that's done. And car seat ready to go in. And my bag is packed. And now I have another contraction.

So I think it's soon. I ran into a woman I know who's a photog. who takes lots of pix of kids and moms and said she could tell from my face I wouldn't last ths wkend. Tomorrow is the new moon. So a fresh start. I was thinking we'd be in that fullmoon zone, april 8, but I don't feel I'll last.

It's really hard to get off the couch. I'm trying to drink a lot of water. Am trying not to be too freaked out. I was induced for my son so this is all new. . . .

nearly 39 wks

2009-03-21T15:47:00.000-07:00

Huge, tired, losing weight from sleeping so much. I mean A LOT. On my left side. Baby moving vigorously and purposely so clearly not ready to get on the launching pad, never mind the gantry. OB appt on Thursday, wt. 164, bp 120/54, urine trace of protein (lowest level, per previous weeks). Next. appt. 2:50 Thursday, March 26. Then the following Monday, 3/30 is 40 weeks.

38 wks monday, 2nd round of A/B

2009-03-15T17:16:00.000-07:00

I've had bronchitis since 2 fridays ago. Saturday was at the E/R, missing a huge event I'd put together. Thank goodness it was in good hands

I'm wiped out. Same old braxton hicks, next appt is Thursday. then one more then....who knows. I dread another induction, but this is wearing me down. I'm sleeping 3 hours, up for 45 minutes, sleeping more. I need to be in shape for labor damnit....

36.5 / OB visit

2009-03-06T13:46:00.001-08:00

negative on strep test, yea, b/p normal, trace of protein in Ur (also normal), baby active, good heart rate. U/S Monday. Counting down, freaking out, got another cold, can't lie down for coughing. Very very tired of this....

36 weeks

2009-03-03T09:16:00.000-08:00

Have been feeling nauseated. Baby superactive. No names yet. Ob appt friday; u/s Monday. Tired early and Sunday I felt horrible and slept for 3 hours in the daytime. Due date of 3/30 looms for real. DH thinks 3/24. Not having had any normal labor last time I have this feeling, "will I know when I'm in labor?"

I tend to think I will....

B-H-B-H-B-H-B-H-B-H-B-H

2009-02-14T11:06:00.000-08:00

lots of this yesterday. noticeable. totally normal...Monday is week 34. We met with our doula and I feel so much better about the labor/birth. She got me thru a 14hour pitocin drip induction w/no meds for which I'm still grateful. And I've been so sick lately and tired, and exhausted from snow/ice/rotten weather that I've felt out of shape for labor. and was thinking Hmmm, maybe a c-section not so bad which I KNOW I DON'T WANT!!

So really good to see her. And the sun. And the dirt beneath the snow again...

more B-h

2009-02-09T19:41:00.000-08:00

at 9 tonight. It's such a weird sensation because I feel something pressing from the inside to the outside, but all across the expanse of my (frankly enormous) front. Tomorrow OB visit, plus official and important meetings to follow (for my other life).

32plus

2009-02-06T20:23:00.000-08:00

weeks, that is. I don't remember age 32. I was back in school. I do remember getting over colds a lot quicker than now. Every nite awakened w/hacking coughing. All horrible. Exhausting. Trying to do work in between feeling tired. I should try to post more often just to make these weeks go faster. My advice to all: NEVER be in late stage of pregnancy in northern climates in the winter. day after day of 10 and below days make it impossible to get exercise or beoutside comfortably. .

John Updike RIP

2009-01-28T07:48:00.001-08:00

Loved the journalism, some of the novels. Met him once at a party north of Boston. 11 years ago or so. One of the homeliest people I've ever seen with a hawk-like profile. Happier to listen. Highly competitive at darts. Sad to think of these lions going. No more books.

31.5

2009-01-27T17:14:00.000-08:00

OB/Gyn visit. Blood pressure 120/70, slight trace of protein in urine. And the reason I feel horrible is b/c during your first pregnancy you have good muscle tone in your pelvic floor. And subsequent ones, you don't. You're feeling what you're supposed to feel a month from now, said my dr.

So... out of breath, had to stand for last half of meeting last nite, and all the constituents are amazed to hear there's 2 months to go. I remember counting the days after I thought I was supposed to have my period and thinking, 'hmmm, that's kind of a lot.' I think I tested nearly 2 weeks late, and the pregnancy stick was an instantpositive, no waiting at all....

I'm just trying to be grateful for something b/c even just breathing is a pain!!

braxton hicks

2009-01-17T14:07:00.000-08:00

yesterday it felt as though thumbelina was sitting VERY heavily in the middle of my belly and today this happened again. My conscious thought was "braxton hicks preterm labor" just like that at the repeated event. This is momentous b/c for my last pregnancy I never had ONE contraction at any point. And duedate came and went and still no contractions. And finally on day 12 I was induced, which was a 14 hour labor (no meds, yay me!) that went very uneventfully except for the part at the end where the placenta didn't detach. So after all that time, I had to have a spinal and my OB gingerly manually extracted the placenta. Truly scary. It might have grown into the uterus which would have been lightsout for that organ.

So Braxton Hicks I welcome. Anything that sets the tone this is a normal pregnancy!

29 weeks

2009-01-14T07:52:00.000-08:00

OB visit, totally uneventful. Negative glucose, trace of protein. I measure at 31 inches, though am at 29. OB startled by how active baby is. "She must have liked what you had for lunch." Baby will settle head down at 36 weeks. Until then, I am the punching bag and she's looking for an exit. They have no plans for an u/s unless they're concerned about size. I was taking iron pills per their request but taking iron pills makes me feel terrible. So I need to get product 19 and double up on the salad.

Why I am doing this

2009-01-07T07:59:00.001-08:00

When I was pregnant with my son (at age 42), I found myself reading the very few forums that focussed on pregnancy for women in my page bracket. In the 2 years following his birth, we hoped to become pregnant again, and had brief dealings with a fertility specialist and also tried different herbs and the rest of it. When I turned 45, it seemed like that was it -- we were basically fired from the fertility people (4 IUIs had failed, hadn't done IVF were advised against it) and so we went about our lives. About a year before I conceived I started taking small amounts of Vitex, which seemed to enhance cervical mucous and a few months before started taking MACA because I am a workaholic and welcome anything that extends my day.

For the most part, I found the posts from women who had conceived in their post-42 years hopeful but not nearly frequent enough. For a number of reasons, I haven't posted on forums, but I welcome any readers to share this blog address with other readers who may benefit.

I am keeping this blog so I can keep track of what's going on with my pregnancy and also to give the rest of you some hope. You never know what's going to happen. I can feel the baby kicking and wiggling and it's the most natural thing in the world right now although statistically I probably don't even register.

27 weeks

2009-01-02T07:59:00.001-08:00

Due to bad weather we were without power here for nearly 3 weeks and I had too much to do to update this the rare times I had access to email.

I am VERY tired of being pregnant, I'm hitting that exhausted stage virtually every day. Then again, dealing with the holidays, which start mid Dec. and go right thru January is pretty exhausting too. we are blessed in having lots of family and friends and this is the time o f year that visiting goes into high gear.

My inlaws were great and brilliant and gave me maternity leggings and undies. Didn't know such things existed but totally love these.

Have had the tiniest bit of dark brown discharge, but baby kicking a lot. I do not like being really large in the winter -- for my son, spring came w/3rd trimester and it was much easier to stay in shape. Everything here is iced over and we live in the woods so it's easy to talk myself out of going outside. I shovelled our deck on new year's eve and that took a half hour so that's something....

Had the glucose test, get results in 2 wks. Actually, I'm probably fine b/c I'm sure they would have contacted me otherwise....

23 weeks

2008-12-02T08:37:00.000-08:00

I do not walk so much as lumber. I remember from before there was a period of feeling HUGE and then finally adjusting to the challenges. I have to call the doula!!!! I am also waking up at 2, 5 and 7 to pee. Is this too much information? I'm writing this down in case I get pregnant again (at age 50!! wouldn't that be a kick) and want to remember these small details. My left knee definitely is weaker, probably due to the hormones. It's not painful but I can feel I'm a little slower going up stairs. We have a lot of stairs here.

signs

2008-11-24T13:01:00.000-08:00

I couldn't remember when this happens, but apparently at 22 weeks there's a dark line of skin from naval to pubis. This emerged last night and today is 22 weeks. Baby is poking a lot -- more tickly than emphatic. The literature says she's still under 12 inches so it's definitely more like fairy tickling. Tinkerbell tickling.

Last night at the in-laws, my fatherinlwa who just survived a triple bypass needed to let us know that it's very important that we choose a name that the child can use for their own life. I think he's still freaked that our son has 4 names (normal first name, exotic armenian middle name, mylast, husband'slast name). Tinkerbell will be getting an armenian name as well, though we haven't picked one out of the very exotic and unusual array available.

BTW, the name I write under is that of an ancestor who never married. I like to pay her tribute, along with another ancestor Mary Jane. Both women lived more than a century ago and had notable achievements -- work that endures to this day, which is great. The males in my father's family follow the obscure farmer/mechanic model....

out of breath

2008-11-15T14:57:00.000-08:00

Not a good sign. My profile has changed considerably in the last 10 days and I can feel my lungs being squashed when I'm in bed. A herbalist acquaintance made the comment today that she thought I was 40. I held my thumb upward. She stopped at 45, and I still held my thumb up. It seems utterly preposterous that there's a little space traveller inside, except that I didn't (before this) FEEL 48. I see friends and others who are heavy and middleaged and at my reunion I was kind of shocked by how many lined faces there were. I do feel like I'm not in really great shape because it doesn't occur to me to do exercise beyond my dance class most of the time. Since my son has kind of outgrown all the strollers, the long strollerwalk isn't happening. Which reminds me, I'm betting right now he will be TOTALLY regressing when tinkerbell shows up. I'm writing this now so when it happens I won't be surprised.

It is really cool to be pregnant though. If only I could get a breath!

officially 20 weeks

2008-11-13T16:29:00.000-08:00

Back to Ob/GYN in another month. All is well, BP is 120/60; urine culture totally normal, protein within range. My belly is measuring 20 inches, in line with the weeks. The doppler showed baby thrash/kicking and strong heartbeat. Lots of movement which I'm feeling.

So I took my husband out to Outback for steak. We've had strep throat and been under the weather and steak is the only cure for him. I'm at a point in my sobriety where ordering a coca cola seems like a REALLY big celebration. Thank the lord all is well with baby 2, whom I am thinking of as Siranoush, Tinkerbell, and Principessa.....All wonderful names for the new millenium....

20 weeks

2008-11-12T11:20:00.000-08:00

At this point, I'm inclined to keep this journal just for the duration of my pregnancy which is officially at the halfway mark. My husband and I have been laid low for the past week plus with what he found out today is strep and a vicious cold. So it looks like a dose of penicillan to get us back on track.

I haven't heard back from the doula we used last time -- I need to call her, but I'm just not motivated to do anything that isn't due RIGHT NOW. The baby is kicking a lot and I'm not as big as I was before. Dr. appt on Thursday. I am trying not to put on weight beyond where I started, which was at 145, totally highend for me. When I was expecting my son my START WEIGHT was 129, but after losing a few pounds from nursing, it never came off completely. Then again, I have always been borderline thin, and probably anorectic (electively so!) for most of my 20s and 30s. I don't look heavy, but to me I can feel it. At my high school reunion, there was a picture from the yearbook of me taking a grand jete down the chemistry department hallway and I wish I could do that again. Thanks to Kathy Kitschinart for the reminder bracelet. What's beeezzaaar is that I DO NOT FEEL LIKE EATING CAKE!!

Last night was the first nite of 8 hours sleep, interupted only a few times by deathrattle cough.

I have a book due at the start of January. How I am going to do this seems unimaginable.

Every day I am grateful and amazed I am pregnant and only feel the tiniest bit of panic about the How are we going to do this. Our son is the best little kid but as everyone knows life with a small child is exhausting. I see mothers much younger than me with 2, 3, even four and that's something I have never had an interest in. I really had no urgings towards hving a baby until my mid-30s, when I was living with an incredibly self-indulgent and depressed writer, whose rising success during this period only caused him greater consternation. DC was convinced he was infertile, which, giving the miserable worldview expressed in his poetry and his generally melancholic temperament makes all kinds of sense.

My husband, fortunately, is an indefatigable optimist.....

a new president

2008-11-06T17:23:00.000-08:00

When Nixon was elected I was sad because I knew he was the Vietnam War president. I was happy when Carter was elected, because Jerry Ford seemed accidental in so many ways. Ronald Reagan's election was literally scary. I was coming out of a club with my mucholder boyfriend after having seen the Roche Sisters, which was really lovely and people were talking on the sidewalk about Reagan and how he was going to bomb everything. GHWBush was worrying, but Mondale was so dull. And besides, that was the year before I got sober and moved very very far away. Clinton's election was great, the one bright spot in an otherwise rainy and cold fall which found me between professions for the first time in my professional life. The election of Bush 2 was appalling. We were living in the midwest and to watch the returns, and to know many many people who voted for the conartist idiot was scary. We've been in that mode for awhile. Kerry didn't seem to care and he did not project the optimism that Barack did and although I voted for Hillary in the primaries (having waiting since 1992 to vote for her for something!), it was great voting for Obama. And knowing many other different people did.

Bring on the peace, man.

How We Got Here and How We Knew It Was A Girl

2008-11-03T18:29:00.001-08:00

in reverse order...

I started to want to wear pink in July. I have never worn pink. Well, I had an English Beat t-shirt purchased in 1984, but even in the height of my years as a rock critic, the black/pink combo passed me by. This summer, i bought 3 pink shirts and wore them. This is weeks before realizing we were expecting....

The magic/mojo that might have been involved getting pregnant may include the following:
tossing ALL maternity clothes, I literally found a bag and discarded in June --- was preg. in july (yeah, that looks like a great call from this vantage)
spending a lot of time around small children/pregnant women, due to involvement at local church afterschool in challenging neighborhood, plus my preschool son's peers, etc. Being around very needy small children who are also very poor might have triggered some hormonal thing. Honestly, I don't know.
My husband thinks it's fantastic genes and fantastic luck. I also attribute some good mojo to a really great saint, Saint Martin de Porres. He was Peruvian and a clergy friend had a connection to the shrine in TN. www.stmartinshrine.org/. I sent them some money years ago and I swear, within a month was pregnant. So I'm pretty good about sending them some cash. As an episcopagancongregationalitarian, anything goes.

I also had been taking Vitex (2 500 mg. tabs once a day for a number of months). I'd read it helped with PMS, which I'm told I have (ahem, I don't THINK I have it, anyway, don't have it NOW forsure). That may have helped and I also had been taking prental vitamins since before my son 5 years ago (yes, it was a huge bottle....)

waiting

2008-10-30T09:05:00.000-07:00

In a couple hours we have the u/s that determines gender. Very strange feeling waiting for that....In other news, a friend of mine who's running for a state-level position is having some dirty politics played by a guy who has no political/public service experience yet who's running on the republican ticket as some kind of fundamentalist throw-the-bums-out reformer. I've seen this guy in a debate and he's clueless, vague and immediately reverts to campaign cant. He'd be eaten for lunch in our state house. I look forward to his defeat, which is in all likelihood inevitable. As someone who was prompted to run for office for a variety of reasons, mostly including the "yes, I'm going to make a difference, get out of my way" impulse, the idea of someone running for office who builds a platform of "against"s is both weak and hypocritical. People are seeing through it with the doddery veteran on a presidential level and they'll hopefully see through it here. Getting informed takes an investment of time. I read some of the local blogs that cover political life in my area and my main suspicion is that the least-informed are also the least-likely to vote. Which is basically a good thing. Don't vote unless you know what you're voting for...

quit!

2008-10-28T18:49:00.001-07:00

I love the stuff I do for the community. I especially love the work I do that benefits children. Everything else can GO TO HECK!! I am amazed at how many kids I see who don't seem to have very strong language skills and my first thought is not "learning disability" but instead, "someone is not talking to them."

Thank god for fullday school where teachers' efforts and time is directed solely at these kids. I spent time at our alternative school today in a meeting and it's sad to see how quickly all the slots filled and how many are waiting. If we do not provide a top-tier education as part of what we do as a community we might as well go home.

checking out

2008-10-27T17:16:00.000-07:00

As I assess my life (5 year old, f/t WAHJob, elected official) I find that it is time to withdraw from certain environments. I had been working at a local lfoundation that was so clueless about its role in the community, and where the people making decisions were actually contemptuous of the local community, I reached a tipping point and bailed a month ago. At this point, I am only, ONLY, spending time with institutions that have a stake in my mostly-impoverished small city. We have a lot of poor kids here and kids who are poor in family stability. Tonight I realized it was time to check out of another nonprofit where I had been the newsletter person, subcommittee innovator of record. So I will be making my announcement this week to the folks in charge. As someone who has extreme longevity in my worklife (my primary freelance client for my text-writing I've been working for since age 18!) realizing that some places aren't worth helping anymore is a big realization. Fortunately, I have been working/saving/living frugally for years so we can make these decisions about PITA jobs as well as PITA volunteer things. I urge anyone reading this who's doing something out of obligation to some unstated ideal or habit to bail! Something better will come along....

30th high school reunion

2008-10-25T20:07:00.000-07:00

I went w/2 friends w/whom I've had continuous contact since high school. I was the only pregnant woman there although one classmate had a 3.5 year old. I really love these gettogethers and only wish I had more energy for visiting. I keep telling myself exhaustion is a result of having a 5 year old running around OUTSIDE instead of a 4month fetus rolling around INSIDE. 48 is a strange not-old, not-young moment and if this is middleage I better get to 96....
My idea of heaven currently is a coke, a bag of potato chips and hours in bed listening to the BBC. My hours are turning into those of a morning person but I have never yet in my life sprung out of bed first thing. At this point, I'm rollingl and hoisting....(the scale has been banished)...

it moved!

2008-10-21T19:39:00.000-07:00

Baby moved! today at dance class. We had finished a dance and one of my friends looked at me funny b/c I had stopped moving. She said Is the baby moving? and I said I THINK SO! There was a distinct and definite pressure from the inside out, pressing on the right side. That's the only forsure movement. It was familiar and so strange. It is so great. We are blessed.

spring babies

2008-10-19T09:25:00.001-07:00

mean you don't buy a ski pass for yourself for the winter. But I bought one for my husband for his birthday. Maybe I can sneak in on the bunny slope. God knows I'll need the exercise

16 weeks

2008-10-17T15:38:00.001-07:00

Well, Ob appt was today and I was mistaken -- we don't have u/s until next wk. Otherwise everything looks good, h/b is at 140 -- way easier to find than last time, when we only got it for a second, but did get sufficient movement. I am exhausted having not slept last nite. I've been ill for 3 days, basically went to bed Tuesdy, woke up Wednesday. There are so many things that prompt me to say, "I'm too old for this" but it turns out, sadly, I'm not.

The road ahead

2008-10-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

I have always been slightly confused about interpreting dates -- for myself that is. My primary occupation is that of spiritual advisor, or, it's traditional title: astrologer. The second-oldest profession, actually. It helped pay for this house and over time my realname has expanded in the world, but I have had a TERRIBLE time figuring out EXACTLY what date it is re: this pregnancy. Today is week 16. So I have completed my 4th month and starting my 5th month. So the baby has developed inner ear organs, fingernails and is now just basically growing instead of growing crucial parts.

This I didn't understand yesterday. I read a chapter on pre-natal development 4th month and figured I was starting on that. wrong, wrong, wrong. But it does explains why I am now photographing on the huge side.

I am outgrowing PJ bottoms so if anyone is reading this (I don't know why anyone should, I've only made one small public post on the pregnancy stories over age 40 site, send some!

Seriously, though I am tired a lot. Part of this is having a small child. Even though CT's in school 6 hours a day -- it's not enough time for me to do my work and tidy.

itchy skin

2008-10-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

16 weeks, just started. Aargh,

yesterday was 15 weeks

2008-10-07T08:45:00.000-07:00

I still think I should be huger!! I've been wearing maternity clothes for a few weeks and remain grateful it's not 1988 when the choices were big navy blousy dresses with minnie mouse collars and crazy bows. Remember that? I never succumbed to the bizarre on-beyond-Farrah hair wings, having fairly unruly Armenian hair, but remember the '80s fondly only for the fact that I had a metabolism a dragonfly would envy and have no recollection of eating any meal before midnight.

so, yes, pregnant. Probably should have gotten to this in my 20s, or even my 30s, but 42 was my first child. I have a hard time believing everything's okay. I can't wait to feel this baby swimming around (20 weeks?). And I'm hungry all the time. That's the theme. All I want to eat is Korean food and kim chi and spicy, flavored stuff. It's REALLY strange because I'm someone who could, and has, eaten ice cream EVERY day and I have no desire for anything sweet. I seem to need to eat every two hours.

okay, I think I understand this

2008-10-06T07:53:00.000-07:00

I thought I would keep a public blog on this amazing event. I am 48, pregnant and 2 days shy of 48